


The Birds and the Bees (For Aliens)

by Anonymous



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Sex, Crack, Humor, M/M, Smut, The Talk, but for aliens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:40:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26674528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Clark gives Kon the talk, because he knows Lex sure as hell didn't. Conner, while mortified, ends up understanding why it went horribly the last time he and Tim tried to have sex.
Relationships: Clark Kent & Kon-El | Conner Kent, Mentioned Past Clark Kent/Lex Luthor, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 17
Kudos: 152
Collections: DC Kink Meme





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For this prompt on the dckinkmeme: Conner has lately been more interested in having sex, lately. Clark knows about Tim, but similarities between human genitalia and Kryptonian genitalia end at penis and vagina. So, Clark gives Kon the talk, because he knows Lex sure as hell didn't. Conner, while mortified, ends up understanding why it went horribly the last time he and Tim tried to have sex
> 
> While the initial prompt is not nsfw, bonus if Kon gets to have proper sex with Tim and another bonus if their genitalia are really bizarre. Say, green come, barbs, multiple penises that could also become one giant penis, glow-in-the-dark genitalia or come, tentacles, growing upon penetration (these are only suggestions, though). The sky is the limit, because I want it 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘺.  
> https://dckinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/766.html?thread=1550078#cmt1550078

The thing was that Conner has watched a lot of porn.  
  
Since he found out it existed, he’s watched hours and hours of porn. Which, he thought, was probably pretty normal for a hormonal teenage boy, wasn’t it?  
  
And, yeah, maybe he hasn’t put it to much practical use, at least not with another person, but Kon wasn’t super worried about that, because he was pretty sure he got the concept. Insert Tab A into Slot B. Rinse, repeat. Not so hard.  
  
(And, okay, Kon knows that there’s other stuff that goes with it, like chicks wanting to be held sweetly and kissed all over, and there’s quite a few things that he can apparently do with his hands.)  
  
Then, Kon started getting that hot, tangled feeling in the pit of his stomach when he looked at Tim. And honestly, Kon was pretty proud of himself because he actually did RESEARCH once he realized it was the same feeling that he got when he looked at scantily clad girls.  
  
(PornHub, in particular, would feature very heavily in his bibliography were he writing a research paper about it, which Conner now felt exceptionally qualified to do, as well as the glossary terms ‘anal’, ‘barebacking’, ‘twink’, ‘butt plugs’, and ‘power bottom’.)  
  
Kon was also very happy to report that he was just as aroused at the concept of a boy sucking his cock as a girl doing it. Above all, he felt incredibly optimistic about his future sex life. He knew what he was doing, and was super horny for the person he was hoping to be doing it with. This was going to be great!  
  
It wasn’t.  
  
It was the opposite of great. It was possibly the worst, most embarrassing, most best friendship and relationship ruining night of his life.  
  
And it went like this.  
  
It had been going fine at first. Tim was shirtless, laying back on his rumpled sheets, breathing a little irregularly, eyes soft and excited and nervous at the same time.  
  
“Been wanting to do this forever,” Tim groaned, reaching up to put a hand to the back of Kon’s neck, pulling him down with the slightest pressure.  
  
Their lips met, warm and wet and soft. This was by no means their first kiss, but it felt like it. It was open mouthed, but their tongues were hesitant and their teeth knocking together in over enthusiastic movement.  
  
When they pulled apart again, Tim shot him a coy look—the kind he did when he was trying to be deliberately sexy instead of accidentally—and said, “What are you waiting for, Clone Boy?”  
  
Kon, who wasn’t actually waiting for anything, decided to get on with it. He took his dick out.  
  
He was hard and his dick was flushed red up until the pink tip and Tim’s eyes were wide, glued on it immediately. He let Tim take his length in hand and give it a gentle squeeze with his warm fingers.  
  
Tim gave a soft laugh. “You know, I don’t know why I imagined you as circumcised, but it figures that that wouldn’t have been one of Cadmus’s top priorities.”  
  
_Figures Tim would find a way to bring up the people who grew Kon in a lab the first time they had sex,_ is what Kon doesn’t say in response to that, but either way Kon couldn’t too mad because then Tim was playing with his foreskin with his thumb and giving him quick length-wise strokes and Kon was moaning above him and using his TTK to tease at the hem of Tim’s briefs until Tim used his available hand to help himself out of them.  
  
Then they were looking at each other, flushed-faced, hands on each other’s bare dicks and just feeling each other until Kon just about died because then Tim met his eyes, looking up at him from under his lashes, and said, clearly, like he was enunciating each syllable in the most vulgar way possible, “Fuck me, Conner.”  
  
And who was Kon to turn down a direct order from his team leader?  
  
Their lips met again, and this time, with Tim’s hand warm around his shaft, Kon thought back to ‘Gay Twink Fucked Hard Pt. 2’ to calm his nerves and remind himself that he knows what to do.  
  
He let Tim finger himself to prepare, partly because it was super hot, but mostly, and in fact, almost entirely because Tim is a control freak who believes that the only way anything gets down right if if he does them himself. (Kon couldn’t bring himself to be too mad about it, though, because Tim was going to let him put his dick inside him, and it’s pretty easy to forgive your best friend/boyfriend his character flaws when he’s going to let you do that.)  
  
Regardless, it was really hot, and Kon was pretty sure he was salivating from the excitement (and, from the looks of it, his dick was kind of salivating, too.) While he watched, he slid a condom on his cock and tried not to embarrass himself.  
  
When Tim gave him the okay, Kon lined his dick up to Tim’s hole and pushed the head in, slowly, watching Tim’s face to make sure he wasn’t doing anything he wouldn’t like.  
  
Kon gave his first shallow thrust into Tim’s tight heat, and Tim’s face was a little bit of a grimace, but he moaned, “yes” and “Kon” and “more” and fuck, Kon could give him more, and Kon started rutting into him, and Tim was moaning “yes” and “oh god”  
  
... until he totally wasn’t.  
  
Tim was suddenly making these little, soundless gasps with each thrust and at first Kon was thinking it was maybe a good thing, and thrust a little harder, a little deeper, feeling a strange sensitivity at the tip of his dick and then he could feel Tim so much deeper than before and Tim’s walls were so much tighter around him until Tim was suddenly screaming and pushing him away and Kon was trying to pull himself out of Tim. Then they were rolling off the bed, still connected, Kon didn’t even have time to think to break their fall, because Tim was pulling away and making a break for it and was out the door before Kon managed to get his wits about him.  
  
When Kon finally pried his eyes off the slammed door, he looked down and nearly screamed himself. Because he was pretty sure his dick covered in blood, three times the size it was before, the condom in complete tatters around it.  
  
What the hell happened?


	2. Chapter 2

To say Clark was surprised when Batman stalked up to him at the adjournment of the Justice League meeting and said, “We need to talk.” is an understatement.  
  
Clark raised his eyebrows. “Sure, Bruce,” he agreed, trying not to feel hurt at the level of hostility evident in his friend’s voice. The room is emptying quickly, more so than usual, likely because the other members could sense Batman’s irate mood, so Clark doesn’t suggest getting a room with more privacy. “What about?”  
  
Bruce glowered at him through the cowl. “Your clone,” he managed, voice grating.  
  
If Clark’s eyebrows could raise even further, they would have at that response. “Kon-El?” he asked, incredulous.  
  
He can’t think of anything that Kon might have done recently to inspire Batman’s rage, given that he’d kept out of the news recently—no outrageous stunts like had been common in the boy’s early days—and Clark would know about that kind of thing, given that he works at a newspaper and all. It might have been something personal or not publicly connected to Superboy, Clark supposed, but Kon is friends with one of Bruce’s sons and Clark hadn’t heard anything over the Justice League gossip mill, and superheroes are a chatty bunch, especially among their own.  
  
Most of all, however, while their relationship may not be perfect, which, Clark can admit _is_ mostly his own fault, Clark does hope that if something were going on, Kon would confide in him.  
  
“Yes,” Bruce confirmed. “Make sure he stays away from Tim until he’s capable of restraining himself.”  
  
“What happened?” Clark leaned forward, concerned, to meet Bruce’s eyes. “Is Tim hurt?”  
  
“He’ll be fine,” Bruce said.  
  
“So he’s hurt now?” Clark liked Tim. He liked all of Bruce’s kids, loved them really, was so happy to be their “Uncle Clark” and always happy to be there for them, and he never, ever wanted them to get hurt.  
  
Clark thought about all the possibilities frantically. Super speed and super strength were pretty strong contenders—it’s easy to get hurt if Kryptonians didn’t restrain themselves enough. Heat vision and freeze breath had come back to bite him a time or two—Above all, though, he hoped to God that it wasn’t heat vision, because Clark remembered developing it for the first time like an unexpected erection—and unfortunately the two often went hand-in-hand at the beginning.  
  
“He’ll be fine,” Bruce repeated and turned, seemingly about to head for a zeta tube, before continuing. “Give Superboy a lesson in sexual education so this doesn’t happen again, Clark.”  
  
Then Bruce left Clark alone in the hall to panic. He’d only been a dad for a few years now—he’d never expected to have to give The Talk anytime so soon!  
  
Especially since he had to consider how Kon might differ from him, not being a full Kryptonian.  
  
(Thankfully, Clark has seen Lex’s dick before, so he might have some indication, after all.)  
  
He took a deep breath, located Kon’s heartbeat, and set course. Time to jump in the water, as they say.


	3. Chapter 3

Kon has been watching ‘Virgin Slut Rammed! Anal Experimentation’ for last four and a half hours, which was pretty impressive considering the video was actually only fifteen minutes long.  
  
He had (fairly unimpressively) cried during the second rewatch—which he would never admit to anyone—and now he was taking notes on the back of a take out menu.  
  
If his phone wasn’t dead, he’d been using his Notes app instead. But, alas, his phone was dead from calling Tim a bunch of times with no reply, during which his phone had actually been charging, but he’d ended up throwing it against the wall on try number seventeen, which is how it died.  
  
The thing was, they were going way harder in the video than Kon had. Sure, they’d maybe invested a little more time into preparation beforehand, but he still couldn’t imagine why there had been so much blood. He had been so careful! He’d gone slow! Kon had no idea where it had all gone wrong.  
  
Tim was his best friend even before any of the sex stuff, and Kon didn’t want to lose that... even if Tim didn’t want to have sex with him ever again. Which, Kon thought, trying to be optimistic, he didn’t know for sure, since Tim wasn’t picking up his calls. _What’s that saying? No news is good news, right?_  
  
_Wrong,_ Kon decided, unceremoniously burying his face in the cushions. In this case, no news was definitely bad news. No news was Tim deciding he never wanted to speak to him again and also that Batman should totally break his no killing rule just this once because Kon messed up and Batman had been very clear when he said no second chances. Especially for metas.   
  
Kon groaned pitifully into his pillow. In the background, one actor was grunting, balls slamming against his costar making a loud, repetitive slapping noise.   
  
“That’s it, you little bitch,” the man said. “You’re doing so good.”  
  
His coworker moaned in reply.   
  
He just didn’t get it! He did everything right! He followed this script to the letter! Kon threw his takeout menu and pen to the floor in frustration.   
  
“That’s a good slut,” the man crooned. “You’re a natural. Can’t believe this is your first time. You take me so well.”  
  
Kon echoed the words himself, trying to commit them to memory. He was exhausted, but, by God, he was going to memorize this so he would be sure about what to do next time. Next time, there would be no mistakes.  
  
If the was a next time.   
  
Kon was interrupted from his studying by a knock at the window.   
  
For a moment, his heart fluttered, believing Tim had somehow snuck up to Kon’s window and wanted to talk. His heart sank when he realized it was only Clark.   
  
Kon paused the porno and slid his window open so Clark could climb in. Clark was flushed and his lips were set in a strange line like maybe something was wrong.  
  
“Sorry, my room’s messy,” Kon offered, kicking a pair of boxers under the bed so Clark could step on clean floor. “I wasn’t expecting... company.”   
  
Clark nodded but he still doesn’t say anything.   
  
“Is there a mission?” Kon asked hopefully. Because Clark was looking at him like he was about say that somebody died and the silence was becoming unbearable.   
  
“Uh... no,” Clark said, like it physically pained him to speak. “Kon-El. Conner,” he amended. “Is there anything you’d like to speak to me about?”  
  
Kon racked his brain. He had to admit that he’d spent a lot of time over the years trying to get Clark’s attention, but now that he had it he didn’t even know what to talk to him about. “Not really,” Kon said, finally, because the only other thing he could think of would be asking about Clark’s favorite color or what Clark thought of the weather they’d been having lately. (All Pa Kent would say about it was that it was bad for the corn, getting this much rain at this time of year, and Kon really didn’t want to get into a discussion about it again.)  
  
Clark’s eyes were fixed on some point a few inches to the left of Kon’s face, and Kon glanced over his shoulder just to make sure he wasn’t missing part of the wall or something. His laptop screen was still open, paused at a crucial moment as the taller man was pulling out, about to cum on his costar’s face. Kon used his TTK to tilt the screen down while keeping his eyes on Clark’s face.  
  
“Anything at all?” Clark offered again.  
  
Kon wondered if it would be a good idea to ask about the weather actually, just he could say something, anything at all. He shook his head. “Nope.”  
  
“All right,” Clark said, like that was the worst possible answer he had heard in his life. He moved like he was about to sit on Kon’s bed, then thought better of it and remained standing. “Conner,” he said, taking a deeper and longer breath than Kon had ever heard before. “I came here to talk to you about something.”   
  
Kon stared at him. “I guessed that,” Kon said.  
  
”Oh, good,” Clark said, more relieved than he should have been under the circumstances. “It’s an important topic. A very important topic.”  
  
“Did somebody die?” Kon asked, beginning to get genuinely worried. He could pinpoint Bart and Cassie’s heartbeats no problem, Cissie’s with a little searching, Ma and Pa he could hear breathing downstairs... the only one he couldn’t hear was Tim’s—Kon hadn’t thought much of it since he was pretty sure Tim had gone straight to the lead-lined Bat Cave that night. What if he was wrong? Had Tim been hurt, dying—dead!—all this time?  
  
“No,” said Clark, and Kon relaxed a little, because it was the only thing Clark had seemed sure about in this whole conversation. “But,” Clark continued, face sour like he had swallowed a lemon. “I hear Tim’s a little hurt. Mind telling me what happened, Conner?”  
  
Kon’s face heated up. “How did you know about that?” He asked, defensive. _Was this why Clark had come? To tell him another way he’d failed?_  
  
Clark held up his hands in surrender. “Bruce told me.”  
  
Kon choked. “ _Batman_ knows?”   
  
Clark gave him a sympathetic look and nodded.   
  
Kon was never going to live this down. He wasn’t going to live, period! “He’s going to kill me,” Kon bemoaned, putting his head in his hands.   
  
“Don’t worry, if he was going to kill you he wouldn’t have asked me to have a talk with you first.” Clark squinted. “I think.”  
  
Kon made the kind of sound one might describe as a distressed whale noise in response.  
  
Clark put a hesitant hand on Kon’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me what happened,” Clark said. “But it might help if I explain a few things to you. About sex.”  
  
“I know how sex works,” Kon argued, voice muffled. “I’m not a kid.”  
  
“All right,” Clark said. “I know you’re very mature for your age. But you haven’t been in the world very long. And you haven’t had anyone to help guide you through it for most of it.”  
  
A familiar rage begins to build up in Kon’s chest as he remembered the early years of his life. Alone, abandoned, fending for himself. Kon fights it back because he and Clark have been in a better place now than ever and he doesn’t need to ruin it by causing a fight.   
  
“And,” Clark continued. “Even though I wasn’t able to take care of you back then, you deserved a loving home. People who could help you when you encountered new things. When you didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that for you and Lex definitely wouldn’t have been good for you, either.”  
  
Kon kept his head buried so Clark can’t see the expression on his face as Kon listened to him. Kon knew Clark was probably still listening for his heartbeat and breathing to gauge his reaction anyway. Kon sniffled, which Clark seemed to take as a cue to continue.   
  
“That being said,” Clark squeezed Kon’s shoulder gently. “I hope you don’t mind if I try to explain a few things to you now? Kryptonian biology, for one?”  
  
It takes Kon a few seconds to reply, but when he did, he got the feeling his “okay” meant a little bit more than the word might suggest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments, concrit, crit welcome! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I would really suggest everyone interested in DC comics fanfic check out the dckinkmeme on dreamwidth - the more the merrier + the more fics come out of it!
> 
> This fic is not yet finished - but don't worry I plan on never abandoning a fic!
> 
> All comments, concrit or otherwise, welcome and appreciated! <3


End file.
